Their Mom by Proxy

I was always the girl who couldn't wait to fall in love. I would force it when it was there, increase it when it might have been. It lead to mistakes and to heartbreak. I married too young to the wrong man and it wasn't until I realized I was very, very ready to have children that I realized how large of a mistake I had made. I couldn't stand living the life I was living and thus, I couldn't fathom bringing the children I'd wanted all of my life into that very same situation. It was time to end it and I did. Suddenly I was 27 and divorced and totally and completely on my own and it terrified me. I was in a state I never would have chosen to live at a job that was less than ideal for me and undertaking this ridiculous house remodel that I didn't have the financial or emotional wherewithal to contend with.

I remember the day I called my dad to tell him that I was filing for divorce, he said "Just remember, for the next year, you're a danger to yourself and everyone around you. You might not think that this is going to have much affect on you, but you're wrong."

He was right; I was wrong. I made stupid decision after stupid decision and made my life so much more difficult. But I think I had to go through that to understand what was important, what I needed.

Almost a year after my divorce was final, I met a man through the unlikeliest of means. There was no forcing it this time. Instead, I tried to fight it. His situation wasn't ideal - going through a divorce of his own with two young daughters and two ex-stepdaughters whom he lived like they were his own.

It was baggage... lots and lots and lots of baggage. But the harder I fought it, the more I realized that I was completely, totally and irrevocably in love. It was the kind of love that I had been looking for - it was based on trust and honesty... friendship and romance. We laughed, a lot. We cried, some. I could feel completely content and still have those butterflies that keep it interesting.

Ben is the kind of dad any girl would be lucky to have. He, like me, wanted to be a parent more than anything in the world and when his first daughter was born when he was 29, he found the center and light of his life. Mackenzie, 11, holds her dad's entire being within her. His second daughter came two years later, and she's very different than her sister. She's got some fire in her. Claudia, 8, is every bit as stoic as Mackenzie is emotional.

I knew going into it that every chance of Ben and my survival as a couple rested solely upon the girls. I was nervous - terrified - when we first met. I had heard so much about them and had come to love them through their dad's eyes. And yet I knew how fragile it was. Their parents were newly divorced, their life changed drastically out of their control. It would have been easy for them to push away from me with adolescent resentment for something intangible.

But they didn't. They opened their hearts to me with unexpected ease. (The addition of my cat and new kitten didn't hurt, that's for sure...)

Before long, we were enjoying family dinners and movies. And then holidays... then shopping trips and Christmas tree decorating. It was easy. Almost like it was meant to be.

We've been living together for almost a year now and as my role becomes more defined as our lives continue to grow, I couldn't let some of these stories go without documenting for them... and for me.

I love you, girls, more than I ever thought possible.